How I feel right now

I think it speaks for itself. Well, everything except the revenge thing. This picture can't really be my revenge, since I'm the one that fucked up. But I do want him to be happy, no matter who he's with. We had a dicussion last night that led to me blowing up in his face, well, over the internet. I just want the memory of these horrible events to die. Plus with my training, I reject any form of interrogation. Now I feel that I've hurt him again with my outburst. He was only asking questions, trying to understand.

Perhaps it's his revenge when I look at this picture, when I remind myself of everything that I've thrown away. Maybe California isn't the place for me after all. I'd love to stay here, but there may not be a reason to. If anything, I have until August to decide.

Talking to Myself

I've noticed something today. I've been talking to myself. I don't mean the normal talking that everyone does. I mean having full out CONVERSATIONS with myself. Everyone was out of the office and I was getting something from a filing cabinet and I was just standing there talking my head off... to ME!

Ok let's go back a few hours. At the beginning of the day I was putting in my contacts and the right one started bothering me really bad. My eye was teary and blood shot. I had to take my contact and put it back in. Low and behold, I had no solution. So I got one of the guys to let me use his, as long as I went out and got it myself. So I'm walking to the car, trying to keep the contact on my finger from 1) blowing away in the Santa Ana's, and 2)drying out and shriveling in the Santa Ana's. On the way out ot the car, BIG BOSS (shit is it one or two? We'll say two) caught me talking to my contact lense. Boy did that go over well. Long story short, both contacts are good now and I got made fun of.

Then after the filing cabinet thing, I was sitting at my desk and BIG BOSS 1, asked me a question. I began answering the question with my head facing away from BB1's door and he left. that's right folks, he left without me knowing. How rude you might ask. Anyway, as I was making my explaination, BB2 walked and starts looking at me like I'm nuts; The conversation went something like this:

BB2: Who the fuck are you talking to?
ME: BB1.
BB2: What do you mean. He's not in his office, I just saw him in the hall.
ME: No, I swear I just heard him ask me a question!!!
BB2: What, are hearing voices now?
ME: I swear, he was here, just now!! HE ASKED ME A QUESTION!
*I'd like to note that at this point I have started to squeak*
BB2: Keep this shit up I'm sending straight to pysch.
ME: BUT HE WAS HERE!!!!
BB2: Sure he was. You're so getting a Section 8.

Later that day...

BB2: Where's BB1?
ME: I don't know. *Starts to laugh*
BB2: What do you mean you don't know?
ME: *still laughing* I don't know!
BB2: Are you on dope?

My day has been very interesting.

Welcome to the world

I spent the better part of last night in the hospital with NDP. She went into labor yesterday around 2:00 pm PDT. The baby was born at 12:55 this morning. This has been an interesting pregnancy. Well, the last few days have been. CMO called that NDP would go into labor yesterday, but I called that the baby would born today. Mostly I didn't want the baby born yesterday because it was JVM's birthday. JDO yesterday once again brought up that I need to talk to him.

NO SHIT!

I digress. Welcome to the world BEC, beautfil baby girl born just this morning. 7 lbs, and something ounces.

On another note, I forgot to put in my contacts this morning and my glasses aren't in the car where I usually keep them. The world's a little blurry today.

Quote

I read something I would like to quote in a serialized blog that I enjoy reading. It's linked on my sidebar as Dingo: A Novel. The quote is as follows:

"I guess no matter how bad things get, how irreparable, how far gone, you just never want to give up hope. You still believe you can fix things."

That's how I feel right now. I know I've fucked up, but I still feel that I can fix it. I don't believe we are at the point of irreparable. Especially after what JME said to me the other night: "Time heals all wounds."

I beg the question, "How much time?" I know things won't be right anytime soon, and that no amount of ass-kissing can fix what I've done. But it's not about that. I heard this on the radio this morning. I think it was what Nicole Ritchie said. I know you're probably wondering why I'm quoting Nicole Ritchie, but the girl had a point. She said, "It's not the amount of time you spend with a person, it's what you do when you're together." I'm not sure why, but this hit right at home. I need to make it a point of having fun and being honest no matter what happens.

I know that with time and support, things will become normal again and JME and I might have a chance of being together. If not, he will always be the one that I regret hurting, the one that I forced away. Over the year that I've known him I have come to care about him a lot. That sounds so childish after reading what I just wrote, but I can't put my words into any other form. If his path leads him somewhere else, then I have to support him. That's what love is. Letting go and supporting their every decision.

One last quote before I close for the day. It's from the song "Home" in Piece: the Musical. it's a beautiful song and the show should be amazing. It just finished workshop and will hopefully get picked up soon.

No matter where your journey leads you, if your path leads to some place new, you'll always have a home in this heart of mine... because home is where the is meant to be. You'll always have a home inside of me.

The little things that nobody ever wants to admit

This week has been hell. Absolute hell. I fucked up something major here. Saturday night, I went to the O's place for a game of poker. I was waiting for JME to call because we were (note the verb tense) dating at the time. Well, JME called and said he had to work the next day so we couldn't hang out. So JDO talked me into playing a couple drinking with the guys. Now let me set this "straight", my friends’ can fucking drink. Each person goes through at least a 6 pack a game and we played twice. And the games are very quick. You consume a lot of beer in very little time. Fucks you up very fast.

JVM was incredibly FUCKED UP because he's the biggest lightweight we have ever met. I volunteered to walk him home, make sure he got there all right. It was only a five-minute walk, but the neighborhood isn't the best and like I said, HE WAS REALLY DRUNK.

So I got him home, tucked into bed and made myself a nice little spot on the couch. I went back in to turn off the lights in his room and hug him goodnight. He would NOT let go. It was obvious be shouldn't be/didn't want to be alone. I'm the typre of friend that would stay with you so I know you're not going to die. So I grab my stuff off the couch and made myself a separate spot on the bed. JVM rolled over after I was situated and started to cuddle against my chest. I had no problem with this because he is/was a friend and I knew he wasn’t feeling good. Plus, JVM and I have no sexual feelings for each other.

Now, not to skip all of the details or anything, but I really don’t like talking about my sex life with anyone. I have a few friends that I feel I can share anything with, and even they don’t know the full details. To make a long story short, JVM and I fooled around. We didn't fuck, but we fooled around.

BIG PROBLEM

JVM claims that he does not remember what happened. I’m not sure what to believe now. Especially after my conversation with JME. He broke up with me last night, by the way. But I had to tell him. My conscience was/would kill(ing) me. I’m already having trouble sleeping. After we talked last night, I realized he was a lot more invested in me than I thought he was. I truly feel like an asshole.

Here’s what irks us. JVM claims not to remember a thing about the night. But he also doesn’t want to know anything. I know after a night of drinking if I blackout and don’t remember what happened in the morning, I ask questions. I want to know. I want details. I don’t just want a summary. I want to know EXACTLY what happened. So why is he avoiding me and hearing the story? Maybe because he remembers and doesn’t want to fess up to what he has done?

So now I am incredibly depressed. I’ve lost a friend and I ruined all chances of a relationship with JME. A few months ago in my other blog I posted a picture from Post Secret that I felt applied to me. It said: “I hate, hate, hate my father because he cheated on my mother and destroyed my family. But really I am afraid I’m just like him, just like him, just like him.” I really do feel like that now. Despite the fact that in 22 years of existence, I’ve spent maybe a total of two to three years spending time with him, the events of this weekend are exactly something that would happen to my father. It has been my worst nightmare to him. I always hated my grandmother telling me that I am his gay twin. That man disgusts me. He has no idea what it means to be a husband or a father and I will not turn into him!.

The depression is getting to me. My sleep is awful, my allergies are worse than ever, my performance at work is horrid, and I’m worried how this is going to affect my schoolwork. People look at me and tell me I looked troubled. I am, but I can't tell them why. Remember: Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

I want to see my shrink again. I wish I never stopped going to my once a month appointments because this is around the time of month that I would be going. It felt good to be able to talk to someone not involved. They always seem to have good insight because they have no personal interest.

Somebody save me

Now who'da thought?

it's 9:30 a.m. and I am at work borde out of my mind! So what do I do to keep me occupied? I read blogs and take stupid quizzes of course. So I found this one and I thought the result was pretty funny.

You Are 40% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

Funny because it's true. I know I'm wierd, but I can't do a damn thing about it. I love doing shit that makes people give me that look. You know that look. It's the one that says "I thnk you're weird and want you to go away but I'm too afraid to say it." I LOVE that look. My day is not complete unless I've gotten that look at least twice.

So, this guy sends me a message on MySpace the other day demanding my AIM screen name. In exchange he will not kill the stuffed bunny. I did what I would normally do. I 'killed the bunny' myself then asked for his SN. After that I proceeded to harass him on AIM for about an hour. A few days later one of my friends told me he was in contact with him and said I was an asshole. I'm not sure if I should feel bad, but I dont. There were much better ways to go about what he was getting at. He was annoying to begin with, I just returned the favor. Cute guy, but totally out of touch with modern society. Don't get me wrong, I'm a dork too, but he was pushing it. Maybe it's just that when you see a guy that looks like him you expect something less than what he has to offer. Why is it that we play into the stereotype that all the pretty people are dumb?

The world may never know...

I have no comments

It has been brought to my attention that comments have some how been disabled for my blog. I've written and re-written the HTML and I still can't figure out how to get the comments back. Of course, I'm sure that once I publish this post there will be a comments link on it. We'll see.

There's been a lot of drama in my life lately. It's not cool, but I think after last night that I'm going to be ok.

My cuticle just broke and I have a little dried blood on my finger nail.

Yesterday was so busy the phone wouldn't stop ringing. People were calling me on my cell phone. This place falls apart whenever I taker vacation. I was gone a week and there was chaos. Today has been dead though. funny how that happens.

The fridge shorted out the other day and it defrosted on the carpet. The carpet is now molding and it smells really bad. They told me it would be easier and faster to just cut the bad part of the carpet out and tile the floor in that area.

It smells really bad.