The little things that nobody ever wants to admit
This week has been hell. Absolute hell. I fucked up something major here. Saturday night, I went to the O's place for a game of poker. I was waiting for JME to call because we were (note the verb tense) dating at the time. Well, JME called and said he had to work the next day so we couldn't hang out. So JDO talked me into playing a couple drinking with the guys. Now let me set this "straight", my friends’ can fucking drink. Each person goes through at least a 6 pack a game and we played twice. And the games are very quick. You consume a lot of beer in very little time. Fucks you up very fast.
JVM was incredibly FUCKED UP because he's the biggest lightweight we have ever met. I volunteered to walk him home, make sure he got there all right. It was only a five-minute walk, but the neighborhood isn't the best and like I said, HE WAS REALLY DRUNK.
So I got him home, tucked into bed and made myself a nice little spot on the couch. I went back in to turn off the lights in his room and hug him goodnight. He would NOT let go. It was obvious be shouldn't be/didn't want to be alone. I'm the typre of friend that would stay with you so I know you're not going to die. So I grab my stuff off the couch and made myself a separate spot on the bed. JVM rolled over after I was situated and started to cuddle against my chest. I had no problem with this because he is/was a friend and I knew he wasn’t feeling good. Plus, JVM and I have no sexual feelings for each other.
Now, not to skip all of the details or anything, but I really don’t like talking about my sex life with anyone. I have a few friends that I feel I can share anything with, and even they don’t know the full details. To make a long story short, JVM and I fooled around. We didn't fuck, but we fooled around.
BIG PROBLEM
JVM claims that he does not remember what happened. I’m not sure what to believe now. Especially after my conversation with JME. He broke up with me last night, by the way. But I had to tell him. My conscience was/would kill(ing) me. I’m already having trouble sleeping. After we talked last night, I realized he was a lot more invested in me than I thought he was. I truly feel like an asshole.
Here’s what irks us. JVM claims not to remember a thing about the night. But he also doesn’t want to know anything. I know after a night of drinking if I blackout and don’t remember what happened in the morning, I ask questions. I want to know. I want details. I don’t just want a summary. I want to know EXACTLY what happened. So why is he avoiding me and hearing the story? Maybe because he remembers and doesn’t want to fess up to what he has done?
So now I am incredibly depressed. I’ve lost a friend and I ruined all chances of a relationship with JME. A few months ago in my other blog I posted a picture from Post Secret that I felt applied to me. It said: “I hate, hate, hate my father because he cheated on my mother and destroyed my family. But really I am afraid I’m just like him, just like him, just like him.” I really do feel like that now. Despite the fact that in 22 years of existence, I’ve spent maybe a total of two to three years spending time with him, the events of this weekend are exactly something that would happen to my father. It has been my worst nightmare to him. I always hated my grandmother telling me that I am his gay twin. That man disgusts me. He has no idea what it means to be a husband or a father and I will not turn into him!.
The depression is getting to me. My sleep is awful, my allergies are worse than ever, my performance at work is horrid, and I’m worried how this is going to affect my schoolwork. People look at me and tell me I looked troubled. I am, but I can't tell them why. Remember: Don't Ask, Don't Tell.
I want to see my shrink again. I wish I never stopped going to my once a month appointments because this is around the time of month that I would be going. It felt good to be able to talk to someone not involved. They always seem to have good insight because they have no personal interest.
Somebody save me
JVM was incredibly FUCKED UP because he's the biggest lightweight we have ever met. I volunteered to walk him home, make sure he got there all right. It was only a five-minute walk, but the neighborhood isn't the best and like I said, HE WAS REALLY DRUNK.
So I got him home, tucked into bed and made myself a nice little spot on the couch. I went back in to turn off the lights in his room and hug him goodnight. He would NOT let go. It was obvious be shouldn't be/didn't want to be alone. I'm the typre of friend that would stay with you so I know you're not going to die. So I grab my stuff off the couch and made myself a separate spot on the bed. JVM rolled over after I was situated and started to cuddle against my chest. I had no problem with this because he is/was a friend and I knew he wasn’t feeling good. Plus, JVM and I have no sexual feelings for each other.
Now, not to skip all of the details or anything, but I really don’t like talking about my sex life with anyone. I have a few friends that I feel I can share anything with, and even they don’t know the full details. To make a long story short, JVM and I fooled around. We didn't fuck, but we fooled around.
JVM claims that he does not remember what happened. I’m not sure what to believe now. Especially after my conversation with JME. He broke up with me last night, by the way. But I had to tell him. My conscience was/would kill(ing) me. I’m already having trouble sleeping. After we talked last night, I realized he was a lot more invested in me than I thought he was. I truly feel like an asshole.
Here’s what irks us. JVM claims not to remember a thing about the night. But he also doesn’t want to know anything. I know after a night of drinking if I blackout and don’t remember what happened in the morning, I ask questions. I want to know. I want details. I don’t just want a summary. I want to know EXACTLY what happened. So why is he avoiding me and hearing the story? Maybe because he remembers and doesn’t want to fess up to what he has done?
So now I am incredibly depressed. I’ve lost a friend and I ruined all chances of a relationship with JME. A few months ago in my other blog I posted a picture from Post Secret that I felt applied to me. It said: “I hate, hate, hate my father because he cheated on my mother and destroyed my family. But really I am afraid I’m just like him, just like him, just like him.” I really do feel like that now. Despite the fact that in 22 years of existence, I’ve spent maybe a total of two to three years spending time with him, the events of this weekend are exactly something that would happen to my father. It has been my worst nightmare to him. I always hated my grandmother telling me that I am his gay twin. That man disgusts me. He has no idea what it means to be a husband or a father and I will not turn into him!.
The depression is getting to me. My sleep is awful, my allergies are worse than ever, my performance at work is horrid, and I’m worried how this is going to affect my schoolwork. People look at me and tell me I looked troubled. I am, but I can't tell them why. Remember: Don't Ask, Don't Tell.
I want to see my shrink again. I wish I never stopped going to my once a month appointments because this is around the time of month that I would be going. It felt good to be able to talk to someone not involved. They always seem to have good insight because they have no personal interest.
posted by Unsigned @ 10:50 AM
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